Tuesday, March 13, 2007

There is this thing...

There is this thing, this baleful little thing; it is truly the very bane of my existence. It is a horrible and loathsome thing; the instigator of all that is wrong in my life. It dances around me, plaguing despair and destruction all along its means. It is utterly ruthless and unforgiving, for once you let it slip through your importunate little fingers...it is lost and you are left forever searching for it.

Searching, searching, forever searching, because despite the fact that this thing does callous, malicious, and harmful things, even threatens the very threshold of my fragile sanity. I need it and it burns through me so completely. I pathetically long for it and bargain away bits and pieces of my life for it. Even for just a taste of it. And before I know it, my need overcomes me and I find myself constantly chasing after it. Begging and pleading for that oh so savory little taste of this vital little thing.

It maddens me, causing me to rearrange everything in my life at a chance of grabbing a hold of it and beating it into submission until it is mine and I can end this aching hunger that consumes me. But no matter how hard I pursue or how much I try to outwit this sinister little thing, the only taste that I receive is that of defeat. For my pleadings go unanswered and my wit is outwitted and this thing cares not of my woes. It is fully heartless and pays no mind to my insignificant needs. It is persistently two steps ahead of me looking back at me, mocking me and beating into my very essence, that I am weak and innocuous in the presence of it's oh so powerful existence.

I am left there standing alone, only crumble from my defeat as it bleeds through me. I fall to the ground and lay there defeated and weak, wallowing in my own pathetic self-pity, but it does not walk away gracefully from its victory. Oh no not this beastly little thing. It stands there taunting me, constantly swirling around me, laughing and pointing and chanting it's wicked banter at me.

"You can't catch me and you never will. You never should have let me get away from thee." it says to me in its petty and merciless tone.

It is undoubtedly a rather evil little thing for you see, it knows of just how much I need it and of the fact that without it I am nothing, for without it I do not exist. It is my dictator and my regulator. It does not need me...I need it.

What is the name I give this atrocious vile thing, that I so long for and need? Why do I chase it so persistently? What could it possibly be you ask me incredulously?

All I can relay to thee is that I have no picking. It is as imperative as the air I breathe. It is irrevocably inimitable, for it is time.

Time to do all that I want to do and love all that I want to love. Time to enjoy life at my own velocity and not miss out on the preciousness that surrounds me. Time to wrap myself in the warmth's of the miraculous beings that encircle me. Time to bask in the wondrousness of the gift of life that I have so fortunately received. Time to live my life and not let my life live me.


But sadly I sigh and say a final thought to thee. Something that which you already possess in your very own psyche, but yet I feel the need to inanely repeat.

Time waits for no one, no matter what importance you profess.

No one, nobody, not even me.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Move Along......

Nothing of pressing importance to share here. Just babblings.

So karma thinks she is pretty funny. The other days blog had to do with me wanting Teflon, well I got my wish. I just wasn't too happy about how I got it. What happened you ask? I went to Organic Chemistry last night and we spent a solid 20 minutes discussing the molecular composition of it…..blah….blah…..blah….I really didn't give a shit. On the plus side, out of shear exhaustion and giddiness, somehow we lead the lecture into the composition of moonshine to Redneck Zombies to porn to John Holmes and Ron Jeremy. Our professor runs a DSI lab and is quite conservative. This is his first semester teaching and I think we pretty much mortified him in 10 minutes flat. Oh well…..that's what he gets for the shitty ass tests he gives. Right?

I also got my car back. Yeah. We really do have a love hate relationship, but being without her for 23 days really sucked. Even though the rental I had was newer and technically better, I still wanted my car. A few have asked to survey the damage, so here you go……

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Thats what happens when a car low to the ground hits a mini-SUV. Not bad for my first "bad" accident. The only problem I am having is that my car looks too new on the front. My step mom told me to take it muddin, so that it matches the rest of the car, but I don't know if that is such a good idea.

Tonight the kiddos have games again. It sucks cuz that means we won't be home til late, but I am looking forward to watching them play, especially my girl. Her enthusiasm and endurance amazes me. She is so much like me in so many ways, which also scares me. Is crazy contagious?? Oh well….at least I will always understand her.

Well that is it.......

Later Tators

Monday, February 26, 2007


Disclaimer: This is one of those blogs that will make sense to some and not to others. It will also both make sense and not to some. Understand that? Confused? Good then read on.

So I was loading the dishwasher the other night, which I only do as often as necessary, which is hardly ever, and there was one skillet leftover that there just seemed to be no room for. Typical of my life, I thought......too many dirty dishes, not enough room......too many problems, not enough time.

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Anyways…I decided instead of leaving it in the sink for the next go round, which could be a while, I would hand wash it. I am not above getting my hands dirty. So as I was washing the pan, I noticed how easy all the gunk came off because of the Teflon and couldn't help but wish I was made of Teflon.

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I wish that the hurts, sorrows, pains, and dramas of my life could be easily wiped away with a sponge just like the pan with Teflon.

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But no, everything sticks to me like an old cast iron skillet. Every pain, every bit of sadness, every piece of hurt I carry with me, just sticks and won't go away unless I break out the Brillo pad and force it.

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I also realized that the reason why they stick to me that way, is because I let them sit. I let them harden, so I don't have to deal with them. When doing this to myself I try to rationalize that I need time to sort them out, I need closure that I am not getting, and so they sit and wait and get hard.

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I know why I am this way. My father is the same way. He doesn't deal with things, unless he has too. It is a very bad habit that I picked up, because now it has become all too easy to just not deal and I don't want that. I want to find inner peace within myself. I don't want my hurt keeping me up all night, haunting my dreams, butting its way into my life constantly. I want to be done with them. I want to let them heal and scab over, if need be. I want to smile again, I want to laugh, and I want to live my life.

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So I guess it is time to break out the Brillo pad and pull up my sleeves, because unless a miracle happens......I will never be made of Teflon and my life will never be that easy. It is time to deal......

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