Thursday, April 27, 2006

Viagara Hangovers

I won't say I get hit on all the time especially since I make myself extremely unapproachable when I go out. But the male ego gets the better of a few of them and they try their shit anyways. They just flat out ignore the vibe I am giving that says "I dont want to be messed with". Now I am the type of woman that if I am out and a guy tries to hit on me or talk to me, I will look at him and smile and then just walk away. Yes, I am that kind of bitch. I am sorry I just don't want to hear it from some other guy. I love my man. If I want to talk to you I will come to you. But, at work I have no choice I have to tolerate the bullshit that these men sling at me and be nice about it. So after reading the awesome Ninas The Shit I Get! blog I was inspired to do my own called:

The Shit I Get At Work

You would think that after 40 years or so of experience that you men could come up with some really impressive lines to tell the ladies. But it seems that despite all the years of practice that is not the case.

The majority of the people that I deal with at work are men over the age of 60. For some reason they feel the need to find a way to get my attention with their stupid pick up lines and jokes. It's as if they have a Viagra hangover from the night before and their testosterone levels are still through the roof.

This is the shit I get.

#1

Me: Are you allergic to anything?

Him: Beautiful women so you better keep your distance.

Me: Uhh...OK, but seriously are you allergic to anything?

#2

Me: I am going to take your blood pressure. Have a seat over here.

Him: I can't do that.

Me: Why not?

Him: Because as soon as a pretty blonde like you touches me my blood pressure shoots through the roof.

Me: Believe me sir there will be no touching involved now take a seat.

#3

Me: I am going to remove this tape and it may hurt coming off if it has attached to any of the hairs on your chest.

Him: You know this would be a lot more fun if you were wearing leather and carrying a whip? (I made sure to pull the tape off slowly on this one.)

This last one I am going to tell you about happened to me yesterday. If you read yesterdays blog Flowers and Crosses and Chuck Noll Oh my! you might remember that I was getting weird gifts, well this happened not even an hour after I wrote that blog. It is the weirdest one I had heard in a while, but I have to give the guy credit for coming up with this one. Picture a skinny, sleezy, little grey haired man in his 70s.

#4

Him: I brought you a gift.

Me: Oh yah, what is that? (I have that this shit better be fucking important because I am busy as hell look on my face)

Him: Open your hand.

So I open my hand and he puts two tiny pennies in it.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I had to take a picture of the pennies. I have never seen any this small before in my life.

Him: Now close your hand.

Me: Okay.

Him: Now open it and make sure both the pennies are facing heads up. Do you see two cars?

Me: (Looking at him like he has lost his fucking mind) No

Him: Hmm........are you sure, because I see two Lincolns.

Me: HaHa very funny.

Him: Do you see the snakes?

Me: No

Him: Well I see two copper heads.

Me: Got me again.

Him: Do you see any fruit?

Me: (I can feel my foot start to twitch like its gonna start to tap from the impatience) Sorry yet again no.

Him: Well I see a pear (pair of pennies).

Me: Well this is fun and all, but I really do have to get back to work.

Him: Oh just one last question. Do you see the sex?

Me: What?

Him: Do you see the sex?

Me: Uhh no.

Him: Well what do you expect for two cents?

I have no idea what to say to this 70 year old man after this. I am speechless. I just smile and say "Well thank you very much for the laugh and I hope you have a nice day" and turn around and walk away. I can't believe that this guy just wasted all my time to tell me this silly ass shit.

What is the worst pick up line that has been used on you or that you have used on someone else?

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

This is a picture from our balcony that I took last night. This is one of the reasons why I love Florida. The sky is just amazing at night. Just wanted to share it with you.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Flowers and Crosses and Chuck Noll Oh my!

I have never been a morning person. Even as a kid I missed all the great morning cartoons, because I would have rather slept in. I am not lazy in any way and I don't why I am this way I just am. Some mornings I will not speak to anyone for 2 or 3 hours, except for my kids on the way to school. It takes me that long to wake up. If you get a comment from me on myspace before 9, consider yourself lucky.

Some of the girls at work just think I am being bitchy, because I don't hop right into the henhouse 1st thing in the morning. Sorry, but this early in the morning I don't care to hear that you have mold in your new house or that you brought in sonogram picture of your "grandbaby" or what you did last weekend, last night, or what you plan to do tomorrow. I like to come in get my diet coke, get my shit together and start with my work for the day.

I would be curious to see the statistics on how many people are actually morning people.

This morning has been really usual for me today. It has been one of gifts. I had one patient that brought me in Gardenias, which are my favorite smelling flowers. My desk smells awesome and they keep by boss away since she is extremely allergic.

Another one brought me a crochet bookmark in the shape of a cross. Why she did this I don't know, especially since I am not a religious person. I believe in karma and the balances of the universe and blah blah blah, but that is about it.

But the highlight of my morning I have to say was that I talk to the wonderful Chuck Noll and his wife again. For those of you that don't know who he is ........

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

He was the head coach for the Steelers from 1969 - 1991 and was inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1993.

He and his wife are really nice and he even signed a personal autograph to my man for me. (I would have asked him the first I met him, but other things prevented me from asking him before he had to leave). I told him that I would get about 5 years worth of dishes and chores done by my man if he did this for me. He laughed and said sure thing. What a morning!

How about you guys are you morning people??

Humpday blog suggestions of the day:

mySpace sexual coach

This is a must read, but you may need a cold shower when you are done.

and

support for the troops

Have a tissue handy when you read this.


Monday, April 24, 2006

Happy Monday

Well the Karma gods are really smiling upon me today. I dont know what I did to deserves such a great day, but it must have been a good one. This is the first Monday that I have had in a long time that hasnt totally sucked ass from the get go. Although I am extremely tired from the events of the weekend, I am actually feeling pretty good. My only complaints are that my feet still hurt from the heels I wore in a wedding on Saturday (I will tell you all about it tomorrow) and I am starving, because I really didnt eat anything yesterday due to a debilitating migraine I got after taking my 3 hour long Algebra final. On top of feeling great my schedule is extremely light, which allows me to catch up on all the blogs I didn't get to read over the weekend. I have no idea why this is happening and I not about to question it. I am thankful for the good fortune and I think I might even get off early. My poor little head is spinning. I am so overwhelmed by all this awesomeness that I just had to share it with you and hope that all of you are having as good a day as I am.

I am off to get some lunch before I wither away.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Wedding

The last few weeks I have been taking a beating from work and school and my usual plethora of social obligations. I have been extremely run down and the sleep deprivation had started to take its toll, but that doesn't stop me and Devil Inside from living up to all our obligations.

This last weekend was full for us as it usually is. We attended the wedding of one of my dearest friends down in Everglades City. It was one of the best weddings that I had been to in a while, because the wedding was truly reflective of their personalities and how they felt about each other (and before you get all huffy, shell your wedding was awesome also). It started to make me think about how weddings have become so commercialized and impersonal. Everyone has to have the same things as everyone else and the wedding totally becomes about impressing the guests instead of the love between two people. The same flowers, the same dresses, the same menus, and on and on .. you get the point.

Many of you might not get why I am making a big deal about this particular wedding, because you are from different areas and our cultures are a little different (if you read my tag blog you might remember reading something about me being a redneck, but lets keep that on the down low).

First of all the wedding took place in Everglades City. For those of you that are not familiar with the area, the Everglades is mainly swamp, but it is really beautiful down there. It is about a hour and a half drive from where we are at.

Image hosting by Photobucket

Everglades City

The place they had the wedding at wasn't at a church, but it was a really nice restaurant. The kind that you can actually take a boat ride to and park your boat out back on the docks. The wedding ceremony took place in the same place the reception was to be held. It was really nice to have it in the same place, because right after the wedding we didn't have to worry about running around to get to the reception. A total stress reducer.

All the tables were decorated beautifully with glasses for each guest that commemorated the occasion and in the middle of each table there was a mason jar with wildflowers wrapped around the top. Inside each mason jar was 3 little goldfish swimming around and there were different shaped marbles on the bottom. I swear it was the coolest thing. I wish I had a picture.

The groom is in the army and they wanted to correlate this with the wedding. So, the groomsmen had camouflage bowties and the girls had latte colored dresses with shawls that were latte on one side and camouflage on the other. It actually looked really cool. At the front of the reception area was an arched trellis decorated with different wildflowers and and ligthts and this is where the two made their vows. Although the ceremony itself was short and sweet, it was very touching. You just got the feeling that this is going to be one of the marriages that last. All the food was awesome (except for the roasted pig since I dont do pork) and everyone had a great time. Kinda makes me want to get married. NOT!! lol

Here are a few pictures. There are 3 bridesmaids and I am the one in the middle. Unfortunately you can't really see me in them, because of my friends huge tatas blocking me. lol

Image hosting by Photobucket

Image hosting by Photobucket

Image hosting by Photobucket

Image hosting by Photobucket

Image hosting by Photobucket

For some reason I was a little camera happy on the way home. It was a really long trip, so here are the goofy pictures I took.

Image hosting by Photobucket

Devil Inside took this picture. It took him a really long time to get my son to do it. He thought for sure that it would come to life and eat him.

Image hosting by Photobucket

Image hosting by Photobucket

Image hosting by Photobucket

My son had no problem participating in the picture fun, but

Image hosting by Photobucket

my daughter was too interested in watching Harry Potter.

Image hosting by PhotobucketImage hosting by Photobucket

For those of you who have never seen all devils awesome tat's here you go.

Happy Tuesday!!


Tagged

All right, so I have been tagged , by the wonderful Mr. Flirt. Damnit! This will be extremely tough for me, since I such a weirdo.

INSTRUCTIONS: When you are "tagged" you are supposed to post a blog and list six of your own very unique oddities/quirks. Then you need to tag six other people and list them at the bottom. Make sure to post something in their comment section so they know they have been tagged.

1. School - I am extremely anal when it comes to school and grades. This is my third time going back to school. I already have one degree in Science and am certified in my field, but it never seems to be enough. I have a thirst for knowledge. I am always looking for a way to advance my career. Right now I am working on my bachelors degree in health studies and will be graduating next summer. Once I graduate I will be attending another college where I will be getting my masters. I have a 3.92 GPA and if I get a B in a class I usually beat myself up about it. I tend to push things off until the last minute, but magically I seem to pull shit out my ass and still get As even though I do not study. In fact I am supposed be studying for a math final right now.

2. Alcohol - I am a cheap date. I dont usually have a lot of time to go and party, so my alcohol tolerance is extremely low. It usually takes 1 beer and I am giggly like a teenager. I have also been known to start a fight or two and moon a bouncer outside a bar.

3. Family - My family is very important to me. One of my best friends is my sister
Shell. We do everything together. Our personalities are so much alike. Majority of the time when we are together and nobody understands what the hell we are talking about or laughing about, because we have so many inside jokes. I have a total of 3 sisters and 2 brothers and I am the oldest. We are all really close and huge bunch of smart asss.

4. Redneck - Yes, it is true. I am a freakin redneck. Not many people know this about me, because I dont advertise it. I mainly grew up in the south and the midwest, so this is no fault of my own. I drink my beers out of a bottle and I curse like a sailor. When I get drunk my redneck accent, that I work so hard to cover up, comes out. I use words like fixin to and yall. We raised horses growing up so I am no stranger to hard work. I used to have to feed and take care of a shitload of horses all time and shovel shit on the weekends. I know how to two-step and line dance, but I have never given in to wearing wranglers. I also cant stand country music.

5. Childhood - I have lived in 7 different states. We moved around a lot as kids, because of my dads job. I have lived in Connecticut, Georgia, Florida, Missouri, South Carolina (for a month or so), Nebraska, and a few places in Texas. The longest I have ever lived in one place is 6 years.

6. Jokes - I am known for telling corny jokes. Seriously they are awful. I know they are stupid, but I cant help it I get a kick out of them. Heres one I tell all the time.

So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.
They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.
And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!"
And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"

Well theres my six and the following are the lucky individuals that I am going to tag! No tag backs either.

Devil Inside
JenUwin
Caterpillars Dream to Fly
Sass Deluxe
Torrie
Mandi



Friday, April 21, 2006

Camping

My sister Shell and I were talking the other night about going camping in Key West. She was really excited, but I just couldn't match her enthusiasm, because I don't do the camping thing. So this prompted me to do a blog on 10 reasons why I don't do camping.

1. Outdoor Toilet Facilities

I don't care how much Lysol you use or how much paper you put down, outdoor toilets are just nasty.

Image hosting by Photobucket

2. Community Showers

It is never cool with me to shower in a place where every other athlete's foot infected human has rubbed their disease all over the shower floor.

Image hosting by Photobucket

3. Sleeping Accommodations

I don't get what would be fun about having to sleep on a paper thin blanket on the ground on top of rocks and god knows what else.

Image hosting by Photobucket

4. Bugs

If you have ever been to Florida you may have seen these huge cockroach looking bugs called Palmetto bugs. I ain't about to have one of these nasty ass things crawling on me in the middle of the night. (Also, did you know that every time a fly lands on you it throws up? Makes you think twice now doesn't it.)

Image hosting by Photobucket

5. Food

I will not eat any food that contains questionable contents and is cooked on a freakin stick. "Contents can also be questionable, with cheaper types of hot dogs having been known to contain snouts, ears and organ meat blended." Check it out for yourself. Wikipedia

Image hosting by Photobucket

6. Housing

I don't care what you say, a tent is not enough shelter against the down pours of rain we experience here in Florida. All it would take is a 30 second rain and everything you own would be absolutely soaked.

Image hosting by Photobucket

7. Fire

It has been my experience that men alcohol small campfire = huge ass raging bonfire. There is something about fire that seems to kick up their testosterone level about 10 notches. While the men dance around the fire making it bigger and bigger, the women usually stand off to the side shaking their heads in shame.

Image hosting by Photobucket turns into Image hosting by Photobucket

8. Electricity

I don't care how many camp lights you put around, there is never enough light to do shit. Especially if you have been drinking, which is a common past time amongst campers. It becomes a chore to do anything after dark, because you have spend all that time making sure you don't step on anything or trip and land on your ass.

Image hosting by Photobucket

9. Refrigeration

I am sorry, but having a cooler full of ice just doesn't cut it. It is too hot here for a bag of ice to last more than an hour or two. The food ends up getting wet and the beers become all slimy, because the labels start to peel off after soaking in the melted ice.

Image hosting by Photobucket

10. Cleanliness

I can't stand to be sweaty and dirty. It physically makes me extremely uncomfortable and bitchy. Ask Devil Inside how much I enjoyed the last outdoor concert we went to. Well why don't I just wash up you may ask? Please refer back to question #2.

Image hosting by Photobucket

Now please don't get the wrong idea. I am not a high maintenance girl who doesn't like to get a little dirty every now and then. I just think there are ways that are more fun. lol If you guys are music lovers and have a moment, check out my bro's site and add him as a friend. He is extremely talented and has done everything on his own. He worked his ass off to buy his own equipment and even though he couldn't afford to go to college he spent every spare moment studying music. He was even recently asked to submit a demo to a huge broadcasting company in this area and is in the process of starting his own record label. Stop by and show him some love.

Side Trak Productions

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Master Bullshitter

Okay. It is official. I am a master bullshitter. Yup, it is true. I was amazed when I found this out myself. This is how I have come to be aware of this knowledge.

This semester has been extremely rough on me. I got a little antsy about trying to graduate ASAP and took four 4 credit hour classes. Yes I am an idiot. I know this. I took 3 science classes on 1 advanced math. On top of this wonderful load of school work, I have two kids, a man, and a full-time job at an extremely busy medical office.

Anyways, one of the assignments at the beginning of the semester in my one of my classes was to do a scientific research study on a specific topic chosen by me. This assignment was to be done over the course of the semester and involved me doing literature review and interviewing and questioning participants who had experienced the topic I had chosen. One this was done, I was then to make a conclusion as to if my results backed up the information in todays literature on the subject. This meant finding participants, making a Lickert scale questionnaire, graphing comparisons, and a whole shit load of writing. I would attempt every weekend to try and do this project, but it always seemed to be put in the "fuck it, I will do it later pile". Well three days ago "later" was knocking at my computer screen saying you have 2 days to submit this paper. So, I sat down and did an assessment on what work I had actually done so far. I had nothing. Absolutely nothing. FUCK! I had no time to find participants, so I did what any normal human being in this position would do. I bullshitted. I picked certain people that I knew that had experienced something similar and answered the questions about them instead of them answering themselves. Basically the results were generated from how I thought they would answer the questions. I came up with a questionnaire, generated the results, a pulled off my literature review in about an hour. Now believe me when I say this, I dont take lying to someone very lightly. I dont do it. I have to guilty of a conscience. But, I was screwed. This paper was 30f my grade. I had no choice. Over the span of about 10 hours I spewed out 17 pages of bullshit. I don't know where it all came from, but it was pretty freakin amazing. I reluctantly submitted my paper in the nick of time. I told my man if I get an A on this I am going to the Bahamas (I only said this figuring there is no way in hell I was getting an A on this paper. It just wouldnt be right.) Well guess what, I am going to the Bahamas. Apparently I did a fabulous job on the paper. I checked my grades online last night and the professor gave me praises for my hard work and awarded me with 300 out of 300 points. I was ecstatic. Only problem now is, I am a big believer in karma.

After work I am going straight to the homeless shelter to donate my time and hope that karma doesn't come to bite me in the ass. Shit see I did it again. lol Just kidding.


Have a great humpday!


Image hosting by Photobucket

Monday, April 17, 2006

Nontraditional Easter

This blog is mainly due to Awesome Zaras blog

Your Turn


This year we changed things around a little bit for Easter. We didn't have the traditional Easter baskets and crap like that. No one was in the mood for another holiday this year. We talked it over with the kids and decided that they would each get $20 as their Easter presents, pending a few conditions, and we would have our Easter dinner at the Outback, and they could have small egg hunt using money filled plastic eggs. The condition of the $20 was they could not buy candy or toys. Reason being is that for the longest time I bought my kids whatever they wanted whenever they wanted. The end result being that they each have their own room full of crap that they never play with. So, once I wised up, I cut back on buying them any toys. The no candy thing stems from the recent cavities that I had to have filled in their teeth. No candy or sweets until they learn to brush their teeth better. Anyways..


The day started off with me getting up at the crack of dawn to finish a 30 page research paper that should have done weeks ago. I, for some reason, put it off until the day before it was due. I seem to be a gluten for punishment lately. I worked on the paper for about 5 hours straight before I take a break. After everyone cleaned themselves up, we were off to take the heathens out to spend their money and have our Easter meal. We pull up to the Outback and go in and are seated immediately (which about gives me a stroke because in south Florida during season you don't get seated immediately). I normally do not eat red meat, but for some reason unbeknown to me, I wanted a rare prime rib. We order our food and eat then we are off to Kmart (It was the only place open. Normally I do not shop at Kmart, because there stores are filthy.) The kids get what they want. My daughter gets two gameboy games and my son gets a game and a Green Day CD (he is six and this is his fav band). It was at that time that my body started to reject the prime rib. My tummy hurt so bad. I am just not used to that kind of meal. lol So, we went home it was about 6 and the kids had their Easter egg hunt. It was back to the books for me and I spent the next 6 hours finishing up my paper. Needless to same, I am quite the bitch at work today, due to lack of sleep. May god have mercy on the soles of the people I have to deal with today.


Have a great Monday.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Recognition

AQBA did a blog about a site that compares your face with other celebrities. After uploading your photo it comes up with a list of the ones you look like the most. The result I got were too funny not to share.

The site said I look like:

66% like Ry Cooder

Image hosting by Photobucket

Have no clue who this guy is. I think he is a musician from the 70's.

56% like Liv Tyler

Image hosting by Photobucket

I guess I can see some resemblence.

55% like Joan Crawford

Image hosting by Photobucket

I think it is the eyes.

52% like Omar Sharif

Image hosting by Photobucket

This one concerns me a little bit.

51% like Richard Dean Anderson

Image hosting by Photobucket

49% like Laurence Olivier

Image hosting by Photobucket

49% like Ofra Hazza

Image hosting by Photobucket

Maybe?

48% like Mick Jagger

Image hosting by Photobucket

I have been told I have a big mouth before, so I guess I can see the resemblence.

48% like Maggie Cheung

Image hosting by Photobucket

I don't get this one at all. I don't think I look like her in any way.

48% like Owen Wilson

Image hosting by Photobucket

This one makes me sad. Does my nose really look like a penis?

Check out the site and see who you look like. It is a lot of fun.

http://www.myheritage.com/

Have a great day!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Traumatized

Have you ever witnessed something that was just so screwed up that it just sticks in your mind and basically traumatizes you in some way? I experienced one of them situations the other day. It is common among Florida residents to wear sandals. It is hot all the time. Well, the other day an elderly woman came into the office and I happen to glance down at her sandals, because they were cute, and the image I saw was horrifying. I don't know if you all know what elderly peoples feet look like, but they are messed up. Here is a little picture to give you and idea of what they look like.

Image hosting by Photobucket

It wasn't the fact that she had awful feet that troubled me, it was the fact that she was wearing a toe ring. I honestly couldn't believe that she was wearing a toe ring. I don't know if she thought it would actually make her foot look any better, but it didn't. It grossed me the hell out and since that day I have not been able to get the image out of my head. There should be some criteria that goes along with wearing toe rings. If you have screwed up feet you shouldn't be aloud to draw attention to them.

Have a great evening.