Dear Mother Nature

February 16, 2007

Dear Mother Nature,

It has recently come to my attention that you have been slacking on your end of our bargain. As you could imagine, I was utterly shocked this morning as I arrived at work and witnessed such a horrid event taking place. The lawn maintenance guys were actually covering all the outdoor tropical plants, in fear of an upcoming frost. I was very taken aback and deemed that this had to be a simple mistake. This is the sunshine state after all, and we don't cover our plants in the winter this far south and we sure as hell don't have frost. In fact you know very well that we don't have a winter at all. We have forgone the winter season in exchange for a rainy season and blue hair season.

Now if you remember back to our agreement, it was sworn that I would not complain nor wreck havoc with you in exchange for warm and wondrous tropical weather. I would accept the torrential downpours day after day during season and bear the occasional threat of a hurricane. (Although, you pretty much have bent us over the bed on that one the last few years.) I can also wholeheartedly say that I have lived up to my end of the bargain. You on the other hand have not.

Let it be known that I have discussed the current situation with Mr. Weatherman and what the projected conditions for this evening are and I am extremely disappointed in your behavior. He confirmed, to my devastation, that there is indeed a threat of a frost this evening. I told him it must be some kind of mistake, but he reassured me it was not.

So this is the deal.......

I am cold. I don't like to be cold. It has been too got damn cold for the last week and I have just dealt. My blood is too thin to take this shit. I go into fits of shivers numerous times throughout the day. It has got to stop. I don't give a shit what your deal is. I understand that the hot flashes of menopause can be gruesome, but seriously bitch don't take the rest of us down with you.

Know this, I have sent word to Father Time and informed him of your actions. I am sorry it has come to this, but you left me no other option. A girl has got to do, what a girls got to do. I was reassured via messenger that he would be dealing with you directly. You know he and I have an unbreakable bond and I suggest you watch your ass. Rest assured I will get my pound of flesh. Fix what you have broken or pay the consequences.

Colder Than a Witches Tit,

Mystery Inside