Nothing Prepares You For It....

It has been an emotional roller coaster in our house this week. Sadly our little puppy started having seizures last week and while at the vet's office he passed away. It kinda hit us as a shock to say the least. We had only had him for a few weeks. But what has shocked me the most is my confusion of feelings over it. I know I felt remorse and sorrow, but more so for the kids. I only felt for myself for a few moments and then it was gone. It was all about the kids and I didn't even have time to work through my feelings. I of course know they are there, but I somehow subconsciously told myself that I wasn't allowed to feel for very long.

When it came to the kids, I knew it was going to hit them really hard. This is the first dog that they had ever owned. But honestly I had no idea of how hard. I wanted to be able to prepare myself before telling them so I tried to remember when I was growing up and what it had felt like to lose a pet as a child. I couldn't for the life of me pull that memory into the forefront. I know they are there; we'd always had dogs growing up. They were always a part of our family. We also had rabbits and horses as well that had passed away while we had them. But no matter how hard I tried I couldn't remember the emotions I had felt when they were gone. I couldn't remember how a child feels loss.

I will say that there is nothing in the world that prepares you to break your children's hearts in a situation like this. Even now as I sit here at my desk and look over at my kids smiling picture the look on there face that afternoon is forever burned into my mind. The tears, sadness, and confusion just over ride their innocent little hearts and minds as we had to explain to them that it just wasn't the puppy's fate to live.

I feel guilty in a way, because when Chris and I went and picked Ben out we let our hearts over ride our brains. Ben was the weakest of the litter and we felt like we were rescuing him from the other dogs. He wasn't visibly sick or anything like that, but he was small and his brothers just whooped up on him something fierce. He was the runt and the connection did not click with us when we got him, what the survival rates of runts are. Nonetheless we overall feel like it was fate for us to take him home, because honestly no one else probably would have and what little life he did live was filled with an enormous amount of love.

To make up for our loss we decided that we would immediately fill that void once again and get a new puppy for the kids. This time we took the kids with us when we went to pick one out. So we went up to the store, with no ideas or definates on what we wanted, we decided we would let our minds and hearts work more together this time. There were two beagles there just like Ben, from different parents of course, and we decided to let the kids get them out and play with them and feel them out. Two hours later the kids were still sitting there playing with them; brother and sister playing with another brother and sister. It was heart-filling. So when it came time to choose no one could do it. Neither Chris nor I could even pick. (He of course wanted both.) It was too hard, so after much deliberation with myself and a great deal of pacing, I slipped away up front and told them we wanted both. Yes I had lost my mind monetarily. We did not tell the kids we got both, we wanted to surprise them and when they came home last night it was definitely a memorable surprise.

So our family is whole again and yet I find myself slipping closer and closer to insanity. I forgot what it is like to be around two puppies, especially active ones. (Ben wasn't very active) They are going to give me grey hairs or a coronary by the end of the week. I swear if I had heard them boing one more spring while they were horsing around under the bed last night I was going to need shock therapy to bring me back.

But I guess it is another sacrifice that I am willing to make….my sanity for the laughter and joy of my children. I also know what comes around goes around and one day they will be laying in bed cursing the dog or dogs they bought for their kids.

Tonight we are off to see the Everblades hockey team play and watch some guys kick the crap out of each other *insert male like grunt here*, so that should be fun. I owe a few of you phone calls and I will be doing that this weekend.

Hope everyone enjoys their weekend!!